Lately I’ve had a lot weighing on my mind; Pete’s work have been reshuffling so he’s back in a role he’s unhappy with, further from home and school. In a rush of dissatisfaction right after the change, he was looking for a new job and found something that I would be suitable for. Really suitable. Almost a precise counter to the position I’m on maternity leave from.

At the same time I mentioned that someone I’d been working with just moved across the country for a position that appeared to pay very well, and since then it’s been sinking in that I’ll need to get used to the idea of going back to work.

At the start we were anticipating huge childcare fees and that left both of us wondering if it would be financially worthwhile, however I pointed out to Pete that his new job is close to his mum’s house and she had offered to take Olivia when I go back to work.

It probably sounds a bit trite but the thought of going back to work and leaving her with others is terrifying – even if they are family. People don’t necessarily listen to or agree with opinions on parenting, and right now I’m having problems getting Olivia to sleep anywhere but my arms. I hate seeing her cry and the idea of not being there for her when she needs me brings tears to my eyes (especially since her favourite noises right now are a variation on mamam and mumum noises!).

I really did think this wouldn’t be as hard as it is, that she would have been babysat at least once by now, but we haven’t left her with anyone else yet.

It’s something we really need to work on, so we can all be a bit more comfortable when the time comes for her to spend time with other people – I’ll need to speak to our community health nurse and see if she’s got any suggestions!

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